Just me a MOM..

Preemie life and Depression through my eyes.

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Posted by Jenn on April 6, 2007

Today has been a hard day for me. I haven’t felt like doing anything. Both Chad and I have just not felt like anything. The only thing that has made me feel better is hearing Chad’s voice. The changes we have made in the last few weeks seem to have been the perfect thing for us. I redid the walls in the apartment and hung some new stuff on them. Some change is good for me. I like to make things look different. I rearrange our furniture. I get that from my mother. There were times when we would come home from school and everything would be different. It would be fun to see what she would do. Sometimes it wouldn’t last more than a couple of days before she would change it again. I have that same habit. Chad hates it. It even goes as far as sleeping on the bed a different way. Like sleeping with your head where your feet should be. I know I am weird. Its one thing that I do when I am feeling kinda off. It somehow makes my body feel better and clear my brain. Its nice to have the ability to control the change that happens in your life, when there is so much you can’t control. Its hard for me to not be in control of everything. I have started to just give things to the Lord. I have OCD and that is one thing that is so hard for me to give up. It was also hard to give that up when I got married. Its easier now. I have given my trust to Chad. I want to make sure that he fully understands that I am with him to the end. He is becoming so strong. I am so proud of how much he has done for me in the last little while. I am the happiest I have ever been. One blah day in a few weeks is okay right? I am not sad not depressed just Blah. Things are finally settling down for us. I hope. Its nice to have it quiet for once. We have been going outside a lot the last couple of days. I have not wanted to do that in years. Emily is loving it. She just runs and runs. Zach likes it too. Chad and I like to go on walks with the kids now. Its nice to have energy again. As for new stuff about me…1. I LOVE frozen twinkies. They are one of my all time favorite snacks. Yes they have to be frozen. The regular ones don’t count.

2. The one calling in the church that I always said I would never agree to was Relief Society Teacher. The reason behind that was that I am not comfortable in my testimony. I don’t feel like I could teach women whom I felt like have more knowledge than me. Then last year that was the exact calling I got. It has been the most rewarding calling I have ever had. I have learned more about my self and my abilities than I ever have.

3. I love teaching primary. Other than the R.S. teacher it’s the only other calling I have ever had. I love watching children learn. I Love hearing how much children know about when it comes to the gospel.

4. I love listening to Emily make up songs. She sits in bed and just sings. I love that what ever she is thinking about becomes a song. She is so smart. She blows me away everyday. She is so cute and silly sometimes.

5. Emily understands me. She just knows when I am sad. She knows just knows how to make me feel better and laugh. She does this silly little dance when she is happy. Its so cute. She is my baby. I have never felt this kind of love for something before. Its amazing.


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