Just me a MOM..

Preemie life and Depression through my eyes.

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I am strong…

Posted by Jenn on August 9, 2007

There has been a lot going here these hot summer days. Just lots of feelings inside that I want and need to share. Zach has been doing so many wonderful things. He is trying to crawl, he is now passing things to his right hand, and we have officially found that Zach LOVES to Draw. We stuck a piece of Chalk in his hand and he went to town. He was so happy the whole time we were in therapy. We also officially have our first word! Good. Yes, He started to say good. Weird huh. Its nice to see some progress with him. He kind of shoots up and then plateaus. Its been a good week.

I have had a hard time over the last few weeks. I am working my way out of a hole that I have fallen in again. You all know that I suffer from depression. It has kind of crept its way back but not nearly as bad as before. I have been able to see things a lot differently this time. Its been hard doing therapy 3 times a week every week for over a year. It was getting old. I was tired and really wanted a normal life. I didn’t like going to church or seeing people with “normal” kids. It was so frustrating to have to answer all the same stupid questions about bubba. I had been feeling alone again. When I get these feelings I have a hard time talking to people or asking for help, But I hate being alone. I wish someone would reach out to me instead of me reaching out to them. I feel like I have reached out so much I just need that given to me. I hope you understand what I am saying. In the past when I get to this point and when I get to this point I suck up my pride and just ask for help. This time was different. I had a particularly hard day and I was really feeling alone. I had asked the Lord for peace, when I got a phone call. It was my visiting Teacher she told me that she had noticed that I had not been a church lately and miss me. She asked me if they could come see me that day. I felt very strongly that I needed to say yes. When they came in my house they brought the peace I was asking for. I for the first time expressed my feelings of being alone and sad to someone other than my family or really close friends. As Anne (one of the VT) started to talk she mentioned that she had not been able to get me off her mind. She said that she was so worried about me and really felt like she needed to actually COME to my house. She said that she felt the spirit tell her that I needed her. We she was right. As we got talking I confided in her and told her that I had been praying for someone to just come over and ask me if I was okay. We talked and I felt so much better about things.

Today was one of those just really busy days. I felt overwhelmed again and just wanted to be out of my house. I got a call from Anne again. Asking me if I was going to the Relief Society activity. I was not aware that there was one so I was not planning on going. She told me that she would be delighted if I would join her. She just wanted me to come with her. I felt myself start to tell her that I would love to go with her. She was going to come get me. As we got there I was uncomfortable, like always. Again wondered why I had agreed to come. I didn’t know anyone there, not very many people knew who I was. I was beyond ready to go home. Then all of the sudden I was in the middle of a discussion about my life and the things that my family had been through. They asked about Zach story and the things we had been through, as I sat there I wondered why I needed to tell these people, this story again for the millionth time. Very peacful that there was one among us that needed to hear it from me. It was going to help them. It was the most amazing feeling to help people understand what Zach is going through and why he is the way he is. The group and I talked for more than an hour about depression and about disabilities. I was able to help people understand what its like to be me. Knowing that someone was going to be helped by the things I was going through was very uplifting. I left the activity so uplifted and peaceful. Being told that I was amazingly strong. Its nice to have that brought home again. I needed to hear that. I am strong. I can make it through the things of this world. Focus on the things of today. Consult with the lord about what he wants of you and then act on it. He knows us and what we need. He will lead you to the people or places you need to what he wants you to be. Stop worrying about tomorrow or next month or year. You have no control over that. Why waste energy on things that you can control. You can control today. If you follow the lord today, you will make it through tomorrow. You will be in control, if you trust the lord



2 Responses to “I am strong…”

  1. melisaslife said

    I totally know how you feel. I got that way when I was on bedrest. I was so tired of asking for help, but I needed it. I had a low day yesterday, I’ll have to tell you why later. It really sucks to have this in your life. If you ever need someone to hang out with, you know you can call me. I’m cutting back my work (again) I can’t handle it.

  2. Jenny said

    YAY!! For inspired Visiting teachers!! Give Anna a hug from me, and tell her I said, “Thanks for listening!!”

    Keep diggin out, I’ll meet ya at the top!!


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