Just me a MOM..

Preemie life and Depression through my eyes.

Too much for me this time.

Posted by Jenn on March 26, 2008

 We are home now. We got home last night. I was WAY too tired to blog. He is still sad, a side effect of the meds he is now on. It breaks my heart to hear him suffer because I do know he is uncomfortable. I just don’t know what to do. They never gave us any real answers just that the damage that happened when he was born most likely is the cause. Whatever that means. Its hard for me sit and not want to cry. I have been so down these last 3 days. I had a Dr. say to me, “Well I guess this is what you will be doing for the rest of his life.”  Finding him the way he have 2 times now is not something I want to relive another time. I DO NOT want that to start to become our normal. I have dreamt about it every night since. This is so not where I thought my life would be. I am having a hard time finding my smile. I keep just tearing up. Emily is so mad that we left her again. She started throwing things and hitting. Its hard to explain what happened and explain that it will happen again. I don’t have the energy to make dinner. I am feeding the kids what I have. Normaly i would have called my Visiting Teachers and ask for help with dinners for the next couple of nights, but since we moved I don’t have any and we don’t have numbers to any one in the ward.  Finding time to make meals is one thing that is hard for me after stuff like this happens. Zach is so clingy and needy (for good reason) after these episodes its insane. I had to hold him while i made toast My arm almost fell off. I am down stairs typing this right now and he is trying to kick down the gate. I just needed a break.  I just wanted to update everyone. Sorry for complaining.  I just feel like I am seriously at the edge of a mental break down. Overwhelmed!!

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5 Responses to “Too much for me this time.”

  1. Candace Hudson said

    Don’t you dare apologize for complaining!!! If you don’t then it will build to be unbearable. The problems is when we don’t move on to finding a way to “deal”. We can not dwell too long.

    It is so hard to be hit with the reality of what our children are dealing with. You want to hope that this will not become the “NORM”. The uncertainty is unbearable at times.

    Just remember that Zach is a fighter, and you are too. You might not believe this right now, but you are.

    Take what breaks you can. And remember if he is trying to kick down the gate, then he is not siezing.

    Call me if you need to talk.

  2. Lisa M said

    AH, Jenn.

    Glad to see you made it home.

    I am sorry that you didn’t get the answers you have been looking for, from the doctors! That drives me nuts.

    Ethan is currently taking Triliptol. It is a medication that has been prescribed to him, for preventative maintenance for seizures. At first it really did effect Ethan and dull his light. That was a huge concern of mine, is that it would change Ethan or, effect him in a way, that would take away what “delight” he had.

    The first week or two, were devistating for me. I just thought we had lost Ethan’s spark. However… after that, he started coming around again, and he is one hundred percent. His light and disposition have returned, and it’s been months and months now, and I’ve been pleased with how it has turned out.

    My unsolicited advice would be, to keep trying to work with the neurologists and try to find a good fit for Cutie. I have managed to find one that has a child of his own who is differently challenged. That has made an enormous difference. He is at PCMC (Mike Lloyd) and I have found working with him to be far less challenging.

    It is SO hard. I am sorry you’ve struggled so. I wish I didn’t live so far away, and I’d have brought you dinner. I understand what a huge hardship it is, to just *fly* back into our general routines.

    I am sorry about Missy. Someday, she will understand- I promise.

    Good Luck!
    Love ya !

  3. Candace Hudson said

    I love, love, love Dr. Lloyd. He was one of the first doctors that ever listen to my concerns about Sage, especially her hearing. I wasn’t sure in the begining about him, but I think is was because I didn’t have to fight him. It almost felt like when we left his office I wasn’t sure I had been heard (because he made it so easy).

    I wish I could help you better on this. Just know that we are here. If you need anything (an ear to listen, another dinner, a kick in the pants) just let me know. I almost stopped by last night, but I didn’t know if you were up for visitors.

  4. Shellie said

    Wow. You have reason to be overwhelmed. Just remember today is not forever and we just have to take it one day at a time. Sounds like your kids react a lot like mine do to being left alone. I don’t see here where you live, I hope you do have people to help out a bit.

  5. cyndi said

    Hello I just read your blog and i feel for you. For you see I have a now12 year son with cerebral palsey. I also have 3 other children. my youngest daughter wich is 2 years older than my son had a really rough time with all that we had to do with my son. The best advise that i could give you would be not to give up hope. Someone once told me that God won’t give us anything we can’t handle. I thought they were full of something. But today even though there are days that we still struggle i know it is true. A great guide for me that i litterally took every where with me is a book named ” children with cerbal palsy: a parents guide by elaine geralis . good luck and reply back. sometimes it helps if you have someone who’s been there and done that. Hope was of some help. Cyndi

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