Just me a MOM..

Preemie life and Depression through my eyes.

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Back to normal?? Not just yet!

Posted by Jenn on March 30, 2008

What a week it has been. I have spent alot of time just thinking about our situation. I have had a really hard time dealing with this last episode. I am not sure why. It has been hard to see the stuff that Zach has started doing since getting home from the hospital. Things that we have tried really hard to make sure that he wouldn’t start doing. Its SOO hard to see him like that. I know that the benefits out way the bad or the what could be’s. For the first time since he was born I asked Heavenly Father why? Why Zach? Why do we has his parents have to watch him suffer like he has been? What am I suppose to be learning from this? I have regrettably become the worry parent. Making sure he is not to hot or cold that he is not overstimulated because they think thats what triggered this episode. I was told that he most likely got over stimed on Sunday night. We were at Grandma’s and we were swinging him bouncing him on the tramp and twirling him. Zach’s Pediatrician told me not to feel guilty about it. I am trying to take his advice.

I had not been feeling well and my neck had been hurting for a couple of days so I went to the Dr.  He walked in the room and said, Jenn you look down are you okay? I told him I was. He told me he didn’t believe me. I have been going to this Dr for over 13 years. We talked about life and the things I have been dealing with . He nicely told me that my body was telling me I have been dealing with too much for to long. He told me that I needed to figure out a way to relieve some of the stress I had in my life. He told me that he understood how thats easier said than done.  He wants to see me in a month and he told me that if I didn’t obey he would have me hospitalized. I cried. How on earth and I suppose to do that. Most of the stuff that I deal with is out of my control. He prescribed me some happy pills that should help and stuff for my neck. I have to go back in a month to make sure the pills are working.  Its been crazy.  I guess that I need to start taking people up on the offers they are giving me. That is so hard for me because I feel like I should be able to do all the stuff that I need to. Our friends Mark and Candace brought us dinner on Thursday.  They brought some good news with them as well. Its hard when someone wants to help. I feel like someone out there is in more of a need than we are. Is that bad?

We are getting back into the flow of life again. Zach seems to be happy again. I have lots of catching up with house work and stuff. Its easier now that i have a Dishwasher. It makes things so much easier for me. Things are not so dark for me, Its nice. I keep praying in the hopes that I can find that happiness that was in my heart again. Keep praying for us. Its helping.


4 Responses to “Back to normal?? Not just yet!”

  1. Lisa M said

    I am glad you had friends visit.

    I hope you can figure out how to stress down. I wish I had some words of wisdom.

    I’m the worst.

    Be sure to communicate these latest things with Zach’s DSPD intake worker, because it is important for them to know how complicated things are for you. The wait list is a needs based list!

    I hope you’re well!

  2. Candace said

    I so understand the issue of accepting help. I always feel like there is someone else that deserves it more than me. I don’t want to “bother” anyone else. I still am working on accepting offers once in awhile. Even when I don’t feel like it is needed at the time.

    You are doing great things. Remember that.

    Remember to take care of yourself. You aren’t any good for Zach and Emily if you don’t. (Another thing that I preach, but don’t practice).

    Oh, and smile…..even if you don’t feel like it….do it.

    I am so glad that we have gotten to know each other (Thank you UtahKids). Keep us informed.

  3. amyf4 said

    It is SO hard to let some things go and except/ask for help. But you need to. And the neck pain, oh man can I understand that! I hope you can find the strength you need to let things go.

  4. Liz said

    at times like these I like to turn to Michael McLean. This some is one I sing to myself in those dark times. and I just want to tell you, Jenn, Hold on, the light WILL come. 🙂

    Hold On
    The message of this moment is so clear;
    And as certain as the rising of the sun.
    If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear,
    Just hold on, Hold on; the light will come.

    Ev’ryone who’s ever tried and failed
    Stands much taller when the victory’s won.
    And those who’ve been in darkness for a while
    Kneel much longer when the light has come.

    It’s a lesson ev’ry one of us must learn;
    That the answers never come without a fight.
    And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long,
    Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.

    Hold on. Hold on. The light will come.

    When you feel trapped inside a never-ending night.
    If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
    If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
    Who’s afraid the light will never really come

    Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come.

    The message of this moment is so clear;
    And as certain as the rising of the sun.
    If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear.
    Just hold on, hold on, the light will come

    Copyright © Michael McLean

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