Just me a MOM..

Preemie life and Depression through my eyes.

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Stop and think before you type!

Posted by Jenn on April 23, 2008

** If you don’t like the things I say on MY blog then you DON’T have to READ** Thank you!

I know people mean well. I know they are only trying to help! The last month has been seriously hard for me. NO ONE understands this because they are not me. From the moment that I had Zach, I NEVER said whoa is me, why me or why Zach. I have ALWAYS been able to see his disabilities as a blessing. I know that having him in our family is the most amazing blessing I could ask for. I have ALWAYS put both of my kids first in everything that I do. I have always been the kind of Mom that would put her depression and anxiety on the back burner until I was alone, ALL BY MYSELF, not like the kids in the other room kind of thing. Like everyone is gone and i am the only one in the house kind of thing. I know that my kids did not ask for a mom that is distant or depressed. Its not their fault at all. They shouldn’t suffer because of me. I KNOW THIS! For most of Zach’s life he has had one thing after another hit him. The difference in this time as apposed to the other times is the same DAMN thing keeps happening and NO ONE is trying to fix the problem. People look at me like I did something to hurt him. Why would i do that?? If you ask anyone in my world that REALLY knows anything about me and my everyday life they would tell you that my kids are my world. They come first. Chad comes first. My family and friends come first. Then me.

Anyone that has a child with Special needs knows that for the rest of their life you go through a pattern that closely resembles the process of grieving. If you didn’t know this go HERE and read about it. It might help to explain why I feel the way I do. I am not throwing myself a pity party. Not at all. I just wish people could have seen what me and mom did yesterday. Watching my son fight for his life and basically stop breathing. Having NO control and having NO ONE want to listen to me. I KNOW what is needed for Zach. I do… Not the Dr. that has only seen him one time. Having to go through 3-4 days or more of crying and sadness. Having to hold him because he won’t stop crying. Wishing that just one time he could talk and tell me what is wrong. He doesn’t have to talk any other time. Crying with him because he just can’t get his brain to shut off. He CAN’T calm down. Nothing working. Having a Daughter that things you love your son more than her at the age¬† of 3. Mommy leaves me so much and stays with Zach. So not only do I have a crying Zach but an upset Emily that doesn’t want anything to do with me. Ohh and throw in a husband that doesn’t know how to deal with stress so he is snappy with the world. You take a step in my shoes. Walk the path that I do before you point fingers.

Talk to me in a week. Things will be drastically different. It takes about that long for things to go back to normal.


4 Responses to “Stop and think before you type!”

  1. Liz said

    Hi Jenn – I love You!

  2. Candace said

    Well said!!!!

    Until someone walks in your shoes, they have no idea. Almost everything that you said here, I have felt or experienced. We walk a similar path. But does that mean that I have the right to tell you how to act or feel…..no way.

    What I can do is tell you how wonderful a job you are doing. What I can do is offer to listen. I know you have a great support system, but know I am more than willing to be another outlet.

  3. amyf4 said

    I hope it wasn’t anything I said. You have so much to deal with and you do a good job. Even people that aren’t facing depression would struggle watching their child suffer. I hate not having answers and not being able to fix it. I know we are blessed that Kade has had so little problems as a result of his birth but it doesn’t change me from wanting him perfect. Lisa’s blog is perfect in that description. I really hope my comment wasn’t what offended you. I was trying to encourage not anger.

  4. Jenny said

    I heard a quote awhile back, that seems fitting for you.

    “People need stop looking in windows, and start looking in the mirror.”

    People seem to judge so quickly, when you have a child with ANY disability. People still treat me funny. it’s ridiculous. Avoid me in the hall, don’t invite me to stuff. It’s stupid. We just have to do better, than the best we can-still working on that one myself- and ignore ignorant people. EVen the well meaning ones, who just say it the wrong way!

    Hugs!!! Keep on keepin on!

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!

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